Suicide Good for the Environment

The latest in a long series of environmental studies into carbon emission reducing strategies carried out by the UK Environment Agency has found evidence that volunteering to buy the farm would drastically reduce carbon emissions, if enough volunteers could be recruited. The agency has received government funding to provide a monetary incentive for volunteering, but is still having trouble finding people willing to off themselves.

'' It is an unfortunate sign of the times that most people are simply not worried about the environment, and would rather sit in front of the television drinking Horlicks with all the lights on than lift a finger to try and help save the world, even for £100. One man offered to have his legs amputated for £200, but as he was destitute his carbon emissions wouldn't have exceeded the occasional dustbin fire lit to stave off hypothermia during the cruel winter months, and we didn't think that cutting off his legs would make much difference. People are just selfish.'' Said an old lady at the post office.

The UK Environment Agency have released the official estimated total of UK carbon emissions for 2008:-




As the graph clearly shows, the carbon emissions made by dead people were far lower than those made by living people. This is a major breakthrough for the Campaign Against Climate Change, though the aforementioned lack of willing volunteers is a definite obstacle. The agency has plans to overcome this with more help from the government.

''We are beginning to implement strategies to encourage people to volunteer for the suicide programme, such as playing Radiohead continuously in shopping centres and the workplace, placing a ban on all cigarette and lunch breaks, and implicating a complete prohibition on alcohol. We have high hopes for 2009.'' Said the elderly eccentric man who lives down my road and claims to be the reincarnation of Frank Zappa, despite the fact that Frank Zappa died in 1993. -- Helen Bedd