Richard Dawkins Hoax!

The final blow was delivered to evolution theory yesterday, as creation scientists completed an analysis of Dawkins' DNA. The results showed conclusively that Dawkins is not, as many heretics were to believe, a world-renowned evolutionary biologist, but in fact a large and impressive collection of Pokemon cards held together with sellotape and what appears to be a Pritt Stick-type adhesive.

''While these results have come as a surprise to many, in fact they make perfect scientific sense'', said Dr. Jacob Solomon of the British Institute of Creation Science. ''The Pokemons are known to morph suddenly and dramatically into vastly different species, just as evolution theory suggests. This is clearly the work of Satan.'' When asked if he had had his own suspicions prior to the outcome of the analysis, Dr. Solomon replied, ''Of course - it came as no great shock. The idea that we marvellous humans descended from apes is simply ludicrous - my grandfather didn't even like bananas.''

The results of this study certainly appear to be conclusive, yet further investigation is already underway in order to eliminate the final obstacles to international acceptance of creation theory - facts. However, Dr. Solomon remains confident: '' Our preliminary studies suggest that with the continuing cooperation of the government in indoctrinating children from a young age in state-funded schools, the increasing number of faith schools, and steep downward trend in the average I.Q., we may have successfully eliminated rational, independent thought in the United Kingdom by as early as 2020.''

While Dr. Solomon and his colleagues still meet with a small amount of opposition to their scientific methods, Christian sociologists do not expect this to be an ongoing problem. According to one spokesperson, ''God will surely dispose of the infidels by means of forked lightening or terminal illness, and keep them off the streets in a fiery pit of torture, where they will be forced to clean Satan's toilets and watch Last of the Summer Wine re-runs for the rest of eternity''. --I.P. Daily