Tori Spelling Unveils New Underwear Range

This week sees the long-awaited launch of Tori Spelling's exclusive range of lingerie, which she says was inspired by the glamour of the 1970s/80s.

''I love it when you can go about your business with the knowledge that you have a saucy secret on under your 15 layers of industrial-strength stage make-up,'' said Spelling.

"Lingerie shouldn't be something you just put on for your lover; you should do it for you.

"It's not about seducing men, it's about embracing womanhood."Though it is hard to imagine anyone wanting to touch that womanhood with a ten-foot barge pole.

Spelling is renowned for her "traditional feather fan dance" as well as her "boudoir/bathtub show", according to her website, www.funnyflatfaces.com/bathing-bulldogs.html.

Spelling reveals:

"I've always wanted to do something with lingerie and it was important for the finished product to be something I would wear myself."

Her limited edition lingerie collection goes on sale to the public on July 23.--Sheila Blige

Obama to Join Justice League

America's favourite President has this week announced his bold decision to join the Justice League of America. Speaking from the Whitehouse on Friday, Obama said he hoped his new membership in the League would result in ''a more perfect union.'' When asked by a journalist (me -- thank you, thank you!) what superpowers he thought he would be able to contribute, he replied ''It has been my life's ambition to clean up the streets of America. The light shining from my ass should be more than enough. And of course, I have the power of prayer.''

However, in a privileged, exclusive, private interview I managed to score with Superman (Go me!!), a very different picture began to emerge.

''He has the teeth of a superhero, for sure.'' Said the world's favourite cross-dresser, ''but he can't fly, he's kinda slow on his feet, and he'd lose in a fist-fight with Grandma Kent. His costume could also use some work.''

I asked the big guy if he and his colleagues thought Obama had anything at all to contribute to the League, to which he responded, ''Well, I can't speak for Batman (he's on vacation in Tahiti following a recent diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder), but the rest of us guys consider it a potentially beneficial trade-off. The League's PR has been in a state of disrepair since 9/11. We tried explaining that we would have been there had we not been tragically hungover, but it was no good. America was grieving, and wanted someone to blame.''

Obama, of course, views the importance of his new membership to the League somewhat differently: '' I am America's first black president. I will be the Justice League's first black member. After that I will become the world's first black bantamweight Champion. Next week I am opening America's first black church, and finally, in the autumn, in starring as myself in the biopic of my life, I will become the first black Hollywood actor. America will never be the same again.''

I asked Superman what Obama's code name was going to be. ''We thought something catchy, and to the point. Probably something like Blackman.'' Finally, I asked Superman what the League's plans were for the coming year. ''With PR on the mend, we should hopefully be able to recruit a sub for Batman while he's nursing his psychological wounds. Green Arrow and Black Canary have their own ideas, but I like this guy.'' At this point, the big guy grabbed my laptop:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MeiwLLZjDo

I can see his point. That guy should totally fight crime. -- L. Lane

Suicide Good for the Environment

The latest in a long series of environmental studies into carbon emission reducing strategies carried out by the UK Environment Agency has found evidence that volunteering to buy the farm would drastically reduce carbon emissions, if enough volunteers could be recruited. The agency has received government funding to provide a monetary incentive for volunteering, but is still having trouble finding people willing to off themselves.

'' It is an unfortunate sign of the times that most people are simply not worried about the environment, and would rather sit in front of the television drinking Horlicks with all the lights on than lift a finger to try and help save the world, even for £100. One man offered to have his legs amputated for £200, but as he was destitute his carbon emissions wouldn't have exceeded the occasional dustbin fire lit to stave off hypothermia during the cruel winter months, and we didn't think that cutting off his legs would make much difference. People are just selfish.'' Said an old lady at the post office.

The UK Environment Agency have released the official estimated total of UK carbon emissions for 2008:-




As the graph clearly shows, the carbon emissions made by dead people were far lower than those made by living people. This is a major breakthrough for the Campaign Against Climate Change, though the aforementioned lack of willing volunteers is a definite obstacle. The agency has plans to overcome this with more help from the government.

''We are beginning to implement strategies to encourage people to volunteer for the suicide programme, such as playing Radiohead continuously in shopping centres and the workplace, placing a ban on all cigarette and lunch breaks, and implicating a complete prohibition on alcohol. We have high hopes for 2009.'' Said the elderly eccentric man who lives down my road and claims to be the reincarnation of Frank Zappa, despite the fact that Frank Zappa died in 1993. -- Helen Bedd

Richard Dawkins Hoax!

The final blow was delivered to evolution theory yesterday, as creation scientists completed an analysis of Dawkins' DNA. The results showed conclusively that Dawkins is not, as many heretics were to believe, a world-renowned evolutionary biologist, but in fact a large and impressive collection of Pokemon cards held together with sellotape and what appears to be a Pritt Stick-type adhesive.

''While these results have come as a surprise to many, in fact they make perfect scientific sense'', said Dr. Jacob Solomon of the British Institute of Creation Science. ''The Pokemons are known to morph suddenly and dramatically into vastly different species, just as evolution theory suggests. This is clearly the work of Satan.'' When asked if he had had his own suspicions prior to the outcome of the analysis, Dr. Solomon replied, ''Of course - it came as no great shock. The idea that we marvellous humans descended from apes is simply ludicrous - my grandfather didn't even like bananas.''

The results of this study certainly appear to be conclusive, yet further investigation is already underway in order to eliminate the final obstacles to international acceptance of creation theory - facts. However, Dr. Solomon remains confident: '' Our preliminary studies suggest that with the continuing cooperation of the government in indoctrinating children from a young age in state-funded schools, the increasing number of faith schools, and steep downward trend in the average I.Q., we may have successfully eliminated rational, independent thought in the United Kingdom by as early as 2020.''

While Dr. Solomon and his colleagues still meet with a small amount of opposition to their scientific methods, Christian sociologists do not expect this to be an ongoing problem. According to one spokesperson, ''God will surely dispose of the infidels by means of forked lightening or terminal illness, and keep them off the streets in a fiery pit of torture, where they will be forced to clean Satan's toilets and watch Last of the Summer Wine re-runs for the rest of eternity''. --I.P. Daily